Don't ever fall in love. It hurts too much.

I'm Matt. I'm fifteen years old. I live in Canada, and I have for all of my life. In the summer of Grade Eight, I was miserable. And I mean absolutely miserable. I thought about suicide. It almost happened. I hoped that highschool would help - that I could become happy. It didn't help. Nothing happened first semester of Grade Nine. I met people, they met me. It turns out the majority of boys my age are absolute assholes. In the second semester, I changed. I became decently happy for the first time in I-Don't-Know-How-Long. How did this happen? I met a girl. Andrea. It started out as a crush. At first I thought she was cute, then it evolved into smart, and nice, and now I can't list everything I love about her. Now, this isn't some love at first sight story. Honestly, at first I liked her friend Sam more. But just as a friend. After awhile, I began to take notice of Andrea. Like I said, at first, it started out small. I'd talk to her occasionally, say "Hi," to her in the halls and tap her on the shoulder. Did I mention I met her in music class? After awhile, I started getting my instrument after school at the same time as her. If I didn't see her, or got there too early, I'd wait. Without fail, I always walked out of that room with her. I'd walk with her to her locker, and we'd talk as she got her stuff. After that, we'd walk out of the school, and we'd go our seperate ways. Over a couple of months, I realized just how much I'd begun to care about her. In this time, I started to feel like she cared about me too. When we met in the halls, she'd always hit me on the arm, or make contact with me in some way. Whenever she saw me, she smiled. I began to think about her, and I decided I truly cared for her, and wanted her to know. I debated telling her, and trying to ask her out. I decided not to, because I was too scared I was reading her wrong. Maybe she only liked me as a friend. Too soon, summer came. I wasn't sure if we'd talk, or see each other at all, and I didn't want that. I'd already gotten her cell phone number earlier, but we'd never really talked over it. The final week of school, exam week, I'd asked her if I could walk with her. She said yes, and I'd planned to. Every single exam, it didn't happen. I tried - I really did, it just never happened. After each of our exams, we'd text each other. The whole night. I was really happy. The first week of summer came, and I wasn't sure how it'd work out. Every day, without fail, she texted me. When I woke up, I'd immediately check my phone to see if she'd texted me. Every day that week, she did. First thing she did when she woke up as far as I knew, she was thinking of me and wanting to talk. I was so happy, for once in my life, I'd found someone who liked me for me. I'd found someone who cared about me. And she didn't just text me in the morning. We talked literally all day. Without stopping for more than half an hour for when she had to do something. The whole day, we talked. For a week. I knew it wouldn't last. We got to know each other; more. The second week, we talked maybe every other day, and not for the whole day. It started to slow down. For that first month of summer, I saw her once a week without fail. Whether it was going to the movies with her and Sam, or something else. I was getting anxious, I felt like she liked me. I was trying to plan out how to tell her how I felt, when something happened. She didn't talk to me for three weeks. Straight. After all of this, after how close we'd gotten, I didn't hear a word from her for three weeks. I'd gone from being happy, finally, to depressive. I'd started to fall in love, and I couldn't go back. Those three weeks are the worst weeks I've ever had. She doesn't know how much it affected me. The truth? I wasn't too bad the first week. I worried about her, but figured she'd text me when she wanted to talk. I'd texted her, but never recieved a response. The second week, I was depressed. I started crying alot. There was this song that she'd showed me once - and every time I played it I'd cry. But I couldn't stop playing it. It was my favourite song, I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab for Cutie. The third week.. it was bad. I cried every day. I was depressed. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I didn't eat one meal for a whole week. I didn't go outside for the whole week. I didn't talk to anyone, except my parents, and even then barely, for that whole week. I went back to what I'd felt in the summer of Grade Eight - I wanted to end it. I couldn't handle it anymore. I'd finally thought I would be happy, I finally thought I'd get better. But no, it was doomed to fail. I thought about killing myself - really. I almost did it. The day before I'd planned to go through with it, Andrea texted me. I can't remember what she said exactly - I remember her saying sorry, and that's it. I cried when I got it. For half an hour, I'd cried uncontrollably. We talked that day, and a few more times that week. It never felt the same. I always had to start texting her - I felt like she was pushing me away. I hung out with her once every two weeks, if I was lucky. The last time I hung out with her before summer, we were alone. For the second time, I think, we were hanging out alone. I think I was with her for three or four hours that day, and all we did was walk and talk to each other. I still had strong feelings for her, I was beginning to think I loved her. It didn't feel the same as it did in Grade Nine, or in the beginning of summer. It just felt different. I didn't get the feeling that she liked me anymore. Then summer ended, and I wasn't happy at all. Everything I'd wanted, everything I needed was gone. For the first two months of school, we barely talked. I talked to her at school, but that's pretty much it. I tried to spend time with her outside of school, but she'd always make an excuse, or be busy, or just not want to. Now, we were/are in Grade Ten. This means we're in our schools band. We had a "Music Camp" thing, where we went to some cabins at some place and did team building activities and things like that. We had a lot of free time there, and I'd always try to spend it with her. It worked out alright, and I had planned to tell her how I felt some time. She's friends with alot of people there, and I was only alone with her once. We were in some woods, just walked and talking, and I was planning on telling her how I felt. Before I could do it, we weren't alone anymore and I'd lost my chance. When our camp was over, she sat on the bus with me. She didn't know how much that meant. I sort of hinted about telling her something, but that it'd come at a certain time. We got back on a Thursday, and I'd planned to tell her the next day. That didn't really work out, and this other girl, Katie, asked her out for me. I was pissed. I hadn't wanted her to do that, not at all. After school I was nervous about seeing Andrea, especially because I had planned to tell her while walking with her to her house. This girl, Katie, told me she'd asked her. I was pissed. After school, I met up with Andrea and after Sam left, we started walking. It was quiet at first, then I said "I'm sorry." She said "For what?" and I said "You know." After that, she told me she liked me. I was really happy. I was supposed to see her that Sunday, but that didn't really work out. On the Monday, at lunch, after I finally got her alone, I asked her if she'd go out with me. She said yes, and I smiled. I was so happy. That week she had Leadership Camp and I wouldn't see her for a whole week, but I was still happy. Over the next month, I started to hang out with her a bit. Just once every week or two, I'd stay at her house for awhile, and we'd sit down and talk. Just talk. After a month and a bit, I still had the feeling that she didn't like me.. like that. I still felt like all I'd ever be was a friend to her. I asked her what she wants me as, a friend, or something more. She said something more, and I started to hope again. This was around 2 months of us dating. We still hadn't kissed, or hugged, or held hands, or anything.. but I didn't care. She said she likes me. She said she cared about me. After awhile, I'd decided that I love her. I didn't tell her that, but she knew. I'd done so much for her, that she knew. Christmas Break came. I saw the day before Christmas, and Christmas day. On the day before Christmas, we exchanged gifts. I gave her a necklace I'd spent all my money on, and she gave me a sweater. I loved her gift, and I felt like she loved mine. In the second week of Christmas break, I didn't see her once. Even though I was supposed to see her twice - I didn't see her once. One time when we talked over that week, she said she thought one day she'd love me. After the break, every time I saw her, she was wearing the necklace I'd bought. I was happy, again. Then, she got sick. I barely saw her. She'd come to school for a class or two, then she'd go back home. I always texted her, saying I hoped she got better, and asking how she was. She didn't talk to me at all, unless I talked to her first. I was starting to feel unwanted again, and it was beginning to hurt. Alot. We barely talked, at all. I was really upset, the woman I loved didn't want to talk to me. She started getting better, and started coming to school more. Not for the whole day, she always left before gym. For two or three weeks, I didn't see her outside of school once. Now, I'm crying as I get to the hard part. I'm sorry. Today is January 26, 2011. The day before this, Andrea broke my heart. She told me she didn't like me in that way. She told me she'd never love me, and that she knew that now. What she told me, it broke my heart. it's broken. I know that i love her, and I know she'll never feel the same. I know my feelings won't change. I'm absolutely certain of it. She's all I have. I don't have any friends. The only person i saw outside of school was her. at lunch, I'd always try to be with her. If not her, I'd hang out with "friends" I'd met through her. Between classes, I'd always tried to find her, even if it was just to see her for a few minutes. I don't know what to do now. It hurts. my heart is broken, and I'm always going to love her. forever and always. I don't know what to do. I've talked to three people about it now, friends that I see and sometimes talk to at school, all girls. It sort of helps.. but they all think my love will go away. They think time will change how I feel. I'd agree if I was them, but I'm not. I'm me. I know how I feel. Even before this, every waking moment I thought of her. I'd wake up, and my first thought was of her. If I couldn't sleep, I'd think of her. When reading, or gaming, or anything, I think of her. I can't get her out of my mind. I love her. forever and always. It hurts to be around her. It hurts to not. I don't know if i can be friends with her, knowing, always knowing, that I love her and she'll never feel the same. even if do get to be friends with her, it'll never be the same. we'll never spend time together. We'll never hang out, or talk, or anything. I love her. I don't have anything anymore. I'm starting to go back to before, and I'm scared. I can't live without her.. but I can't live with her. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. Everything I do reminds me of her, I'm always thinking of her. I'm crying now. I'll be crying later too. I didn't sleep last night, and I don't know if I can tonight either. i doubt it. I didn't eat yesterday, or today. I love her. She's broken my heart. Never fall in love. It hurts too much. I don't know what to do. Do I end it? I don't know. it's a definite possibility, and I think thats what i might do. I can actually feel the pain from when I don't see her, but I can feel the pain when I can. It's in my heart. It thumps. It hurts. Every beat is worse than the last. It's never going to get better, and I'll never be over her, no matter what people think. I love her, and it's killing me. So much for never hurting me, Andrea. I love you. It's killing me. I'm sorry. I just don't know if I can keep going